Kyle Orton is a bad stripper
In so many words, Kyle Orton told the Bronco Nation that he doesn’t care what we think. It felt like deja vu from 2006, when a similarly halfway-decent Jake Plummer said the same thing and, by the end of the season, was also replaced with a similarly untested newbie after similarly disillusioned fans began calling for his head. Look, we’re not stupid. We know that most of these guys are playing for their own benefit and not ours. But when you’re getting a lap dance, the last thing you want is for the girl to lean in and whisper “I would never be interested in you, but my Mercedes payments are outrageous.”
Look, I started rooting for Orton when everyone was still sore about the Cutler trade, and I didn’t convert until two weeks ago. I wanted to believe in the logic: great stats, best in practice, best chance to win. But it wasn’t playing out that way on the field. He was choking. I watched him in person at the San Diego game, and he looked lethargic, like he didn’t care, the polar opposite of the quarterback that won five in a row back in ’09. I can’t say I blame him, it’s hard to do your job while people are comparing your performance to acts of bestiality, but when you’re at a certain pay grade you need to shutup, put on the glittery lip gloss, and shake your ass for the nice people. Otherwise you’re just feeding the flames.
Tim Tebow is made of powdered sugar and magic
My conversion to Team Tebow is relatively new. And really, I’m not even “Team Tebow” as much as I’m just “Team Seems Like a Decent Idea.” He brings an energy to the team and the crowd that Orton wasn’t able to provide. In the post-game interviews, he comes off like a boy scout. But not the pretentious, preachy boy scout who wants to show you his badges and tell you about how he just helped an old lady across the street. He actually seems geniune. I’m not religious, and usually when somebody starts every sentence with “Well, I have to give the credit to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,” I have a reflexive eyeroll, but when Tebow says it I just think “Well, good for him for being so wholehearted.” (So much so that I even go out of my way to capitalize the appropriate words in that quote when I normally would not.) I want Tebow to marry the daughter I don’t have. He’s the kind of guy that makes you want to root for him, even if he’s nailing people in the crowd with errant passes and tripping over his own shoelaces.
Because screw it, that’s why
When I was a kid, I was really bad at video games. So usually when I’d rent a game, I’d really try and win for the first day or two. But once it became obvious that I wasn’t going to beat it before it was due back at the video store, I’d just start messing around. That’s kind of where the Broncos are at. Even an actual Tebow miracle probably isn’t going to get us to the Super Bowl or even the Wild Card at this point. Kyle Orton is a free agent at the end of the season and would be nuts to stick around at a party where everyone thinks he pissed in the punch. So why not find out whether our first round draft pick is decent? You could say that’s what practice is for, but we were told that Kyle Orton was a superb player in practice and it hasn’t translated to the field. Sure, we lost to San Diego and barely inched past Miami, but both games were infinitely more exciting than any of the recent Orton losses have been. We’ve already seen what Orton has to offer, and it’s been downhill for two years. Why shouldn’t we open the other presents under the tree before we start asking Santa for more?
Donny Does Denver 